By Halle Murcek
Sex is like life. We are all just trying to figure it out and we don’t know what we like until we fuck it up a few hundred times. And sometimes there is nothing wrong with a little direction, a little…. constructive criticism.
Let me preface this by saying I am not, by any means, a sex expert. I lost my virginity at 24 (I am now 29) and I only recently have really been putting myself out there (we will call it a quarter-life crisis). So for me… I’m still trying things out, discovering what I’m into, and when I can say, “Eh, I tried it, not for me.” And I am by no means a goddess when it comes to getting it on. I just pay attention and go with the flow.
That being said, there seems to be some reoccurring themes with some of the things dudes do that get a little old after awhile. But this is no fault of their own. Either we’ve spared their feelings and just pushed on, or there are women out there who might actually like to be jackhammered (we’ll get to that). But as a general consensus… men, pay attention please. This will only help you in the long run. One universal truth that you have to keep in mind:
Sex is much more mental for women than it is for men.
1. Speak up. There is no shame in asking how you’re doing. Here is the blatant truth: we (women) fake orgasms... probably more than you think. So there is no harm in checking in, asking how something feels or if we want you to keep doing it. And have fun with it! If you’re like me and love a little dirty talk to kick it up a notch, you can really play this up. One of the things that turns me on the most in bed is when my partner and I can communicate. I’m a huge advocate of letting them know what feels good and how well they are doing. But this isn’t all up to me, this is a two way street. So stop just guessing and testing and ask. Trust me, we like it. It makes us feel like you’re actually paying attention and that you care about what we want just as much as what you want.
2. Switch it up. Yo… just because that little trick with your tongue worked the first two or even three times you slept with us (or your ex) does not mean it’s going to work for you every time. Keep it interesting. Switch it up. Our bodies are always changing and there are so many factors that play into what is turning us on, on any given day. If we aren’t responding, it probably means we aren’t feeling a damn thing.
3. Guys. Stop. RUSHING. FOREPLAY. Please. If you want to make us come you will listen to what I have to say here. And if I know men, I’m pretty sure the end goal is to make one or both of us come. And you know the surefire way to do this? FOREPLAY. Usually intercourse alone doesn’t get us off. And this is not your fault. Most sex positions do not directly stimulate where we need to be stimulated, thus only about 25-30% of us get off through intercourse alone. This is why foreplay is key and we want you to SLOW DOWN. It’s not just a physical thing either. It’s mental as well. Women need mental stimulation just as much as physical. Listen I, just as much as any person, sometimes want to get straight to business, but the more you use foreplay to your advantage the more likely it will be for us to orgasm when we are actually full on and in it. I can attest to this by a recent experience. And we both came at the same time. So just trust me on this one.
4. Take advantage of the time you both have even before you start taking your clothes off for each other. There is something to say about the art of seduction. It doesn’t always have to be wham-bam done. I get it. We are busy people trying to get our shit done and on to the next thing, but use this as an opportunity to really do something for yourself and for each other. For me, flirtatious texts are great little anticipation droppers. It reassures me that the guy is into me and it gives us both a little boost of confidence. We like to feel like human beings, not something you just want to keep around to have sex with. Make an effort to seduce us. Don’t just think you have it in the bag. I recently had a guy tell me he was, “too old for romance,” (he’s 33) which was his way of saying he didn’t want to waste his time with formalities and just wanted to get down to business. The reason why I didn’t tell him to go screw himself is because, prior to that, he actually approached me first, had a conversation with me, gave me his number (without me asking), and even went over the top and Ubered me to and from our date. It’s the little things.
5. Porn is not real life. I don’t think I need to explain this one.
6. Stop focusing so much on the endgame and just enjoy what’s happening. Here’s the thing… it’s really not the end of the world if we don’t orgasm. Sometimes just those moments together with your body, your chemistry, and just being really into each other and the moment is enough. You don’t have to orgasm every time. It’s not a game you’re trying to win.
7. Speed and strength do not equal a more explosive, faster orgasm. This kind of goes with ‘don’t rush it’, but more in terms of execution. We’ve all had basic high school science class. When you rub two things against each other it causes heat and erosion. So you thrusting as hard and as fast as you can does not equal pleasure. In fact it hurts. And it’s very jarring. I think someone on Elite Daily so brilliantly called it ‘The Jackhammer’. Men, I love you but you’re not 18 years old trying to figure it out anymore. A little less aggression please.
8. Respect the fact that male and female bodies are very, very different. This means you may need to be patient and get it wrong a few times before we get into a groove. Getting frustrated doesn’t help anything and trying to jump right into it probably isn’t going to do much for you either. We get it. Men are just ready to go on the fly. But that’s not how women work most of the time (unless you are me mid-spring where I literally want to hump everything I see). Finesse. Use it.
9. Hey I would REALLY love it if you noticed that I wore sexy underwear for you. Yes I might have gone to Cosabella when we confirmed our plans in anticipation of what might happen later. I take pride in the way I present myself. I get it. You want to get me naked as fast as possible, but slow down (are we sensing a pattern yet?). The same goes for taking my clothes off. There is something to be said for the art of the slow reveal. Build up the anticipation a little. You will benefit from it. There is a reason why I make the men I sleep with wait to take everything off all at once.
10. Ummm…are you awake? (Pause and snore) No? Great….
Guys, don’t just assume once you get off that we are finished. Because I could probably go again and probably want to. I am a busy, driven woman so if I’m spending time with you taking my clothes off and getting all hot and bothered, you better believe I am going to make the most of the experience. We can take a little break and spoon or chat or what have you but let’s try for at LEAST twice.
11. Once we are done, it would be nice if you touched me. No, not a shoulder pat or a high five. I’m not looking for a full on spooning session but a little affection isn’t going to kill you. Remember sex is more mental for us than it is for you. Need your space after sex? It’s cool, I get it. Just start small. Even laying closer to me than you normally would suits me fine. But it kind of makes us feel like shit when you just roll over or immediately get up and start retracing your steps for your clothes.
New York is Halle Murcek’s vital sign just like her heartbeat. Always a Midwest girl at heart, she knew she belonged in Manhattan the first time she ever stepped foot off of the airplane. After filling up and hiding journals under her bed with her ‘borrowed’ Esquire magazine from her father’s office, Halle knew she was meant to be a writer. One bachelors degree, a stint in the restaurant industry in Detroit, and an MFA later, she has recently found her calling as a sex and relationships columnist. Ex-fitness instructor turned wannabe sex columnist, she’s just figuring it out as she goes, one blog post at a time.