By Adam Drake
Santa needs to get it together. Each year, we wait for his arrival, gleefully supporting his lifestyle, feeding into his destructive habits, and leaving him worse for the wear. This December, we’re calling Santa out.
Let’s start with Santa’s work ethic. The guy works one day a year. One. The rest of the year his elves are doing all the work while he pulls in all the accolades and cookies. And even during his once-a-year effort, he has eight reindeer pulling his hulk around. What we need is a man who gets involved with his company. A man who doesn’t act simply as a figurehead. It’s no wonder we’ve had so many toy recalls lately: the guy simply doesn’t put forth the effort to ensure he’s producing a quality product.
Next, we need to talk about Santa’s diet. We get it, the guy loves cookies. But save some for the rest of the year, don’t eat them all at once. No one’s digestion system is equipped to filter out that much food and sugar in one sitting. And what is he consuming the rest of the year? Candy canes and gum drops? Would it kill him to switch to some lighter alternatives? Rice cakes are light enough to guzzle a few hundred during one night and not feel like you’re going to fall directly into a diabetic coma in the morning.
Also, the breaking and entering needs to stop. If you haphazardly find yourself on someone’s roof, what gives you the right to hop down their chimney and chill in their living room for a few minutes? God forbid Santa sees something untoward. The last thing anyone needs is some dude in a fuzzy red outfit stumbling into their house and finding them in the middle of an all-cat reenactment of the first season of Game of Thrones.
Not to mention, Santa, you actively encourage small children you have never met to sit on your lap. Sure kiddo, run up to the strange man, sit on his lap, whisper in his ear. Hell, take a photo with him and send it to your friends. No one else thinks this is strange?
Finally, let’s talk about Mrs. Claus. You never hear any stories about Santa cooking or cleaning. Santa, haven’t you ever heard of spoiling your lady? Mrs. Claus is sweet as sugar to take care of you all these years — and we all know you love sugar — but it’s time to give the Missus a night off, rub her feet for a change, stoke the fire, bring her dinner.
Santa, it’s time to change. We’re all looking up to you, and you’re kind of letting us down. Start helping out around the workshop. Supervise those elves better. Stop putting lead-based paint on babies' chew toys. Let’s stop with the cookies. Try some kale. You need to start an exercise regimen. Start running and work on your cardio. Hit some weights to help you lift those presents and not throw your back out. And seriously, if you break into my house and you see something, that video better not end up on YouTube.
Adam Drake is Creative Director for the Sweat Life, a former four-year varsity rower for the University of Miami, and currently rows for the Maritime Rowing Club. He is the co-founder of Kayak for a Cause, a charity event based in Connecticut. As a writer, Adam has developed television shows for Comedy Central, Bad Boy Worldwide, and Sky, written ad campaigns for clients such as Bacardi, Starbucks, Dove Men+Care, and HBO, and was a contributor to the pop culture site YesButNoButYes. In his spare time, he enjoys skiing, boating, and working on his tremendous collection of unfinished novels.